7:35 - July 31, 2003
tonight
So I am supposed to be elsewhere right now, but I am here at home where I am just about all the time. Tonight I was supposed to go meet someone who I kind of know at the house of some people I do not know at all. I was basically looking forward to it and was ready to go, but then work needed some things done so I got delayed significantly. Then it just spiralled down from there.

At a certain point, it does not make sense to travel downstairs, walk to the bus, wait for the bus for 10 minutes to go wait for the subway, take a 20 minute subway ride to wait for another subway, take another 25 minute subway ride to the south of nowhere and then find the street I have never been on to walk 1/3 of a mile in an area I've never been to before to go see someone I know at the house of some people I do not know.

Again, this is a person I like, but leaving the house at 7:10 (the earliest I could) would have put me there at 8:30 or so andI would have maybe had :30 or so before I needed to start the trip back when the subway and the bus take even longer.

I think the Move to a Cheaper Place to Start Saving for a Car Plan needs to happen like tomorrow!

I left my big fat Grand Marquis back in Texas before I moved in 1998. The mechanic said it was not likely to make it. It was an angry burgundy color and could seat about 20 ("and it's about to set saaaaaiiill").

Before that I drove a little Mazda. That was an incredible car. I drove it 186,000 miles between home and school and to Georgia when I moved there. It treated me right, even if I was not able to keep it immaculate. But we had fun, lots of mixtapes with Grace Jones, They Might Be Giants, Sinead O'Connor and just an assload of Erasure and Yaz. Somehow those two were on all my tapes. How gay was I?

So I think the car I would like to drive more than anything is an old BMW 2002. Those less acquainted with the BMW 2002 might think it is fancy. It is not. it is boxy and adorable and special and I think it would be great for me.

SO I guess what burns me the most tonight is that I could have been at opening night of my guy's show. He is outrageous and wonderful and I am going tomorrow, but I really like to be there when he is in a show-- especially on opening and closing nights.

For some reason I am experiencing a depression-type feeling. I think it's money fears more than anything. That and cabin fever. I've been in the house way too long. But I get these sinking feelings that seem almost separate from myself. And they tend tobe related to caffeine and fear or so it seems. If I could drive, I think it would help.

I used to just get in the Mazda and drive far out to the shore of Anna Maria Island. Out to the last edge I could find. I'd sit there and write in my journal, smoking Marlboro lights from their flip-top box. I'd go there and just sort myself out. Or sometimes just tire myself out. Take myself to the calm. Stop my head from all the thoughts of what I wasn't getting done, what I was afraid of being bad at, how I longed for someone or something fulfilling.

And I know it's all related, the fear, the cluutter I live with, the not really understanding that I am thought well of unless I hear the words, see the note or card, get the unmistakable evidence etched in something I can put in my filing cabinet. I can ride a compliment for weeks and sometimes months. Tonight, I'll be ok. I have a lot here to remind me that things are good. But I think I'd like to just drive for a few hours and find myself an island away from my clutter and fears just to shore myself up again.

Tomorrow is new and I have to be in early. I think I'll figure out what I need to do get my driver's license again.

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