|
|
12:11 - Sunday, March 01, 2003 Yes, this is the last wedding entry. I have been working on this forever, but it is good to have it all in one place. There will eventually be a reception entry, but for now . . . We arrived at the meeting house early enough to set ourselves up in the ready room and with enough time to run out and grab some food from the local badass Teahouse. We hung out with our honor attendants and a few family members and friends and then got dressed for pictures. It was so awesome to see my guy all dressed up and looking damn cute. I love to dress up a bit more than he does, so it is always a treat for me when we get to dress up together. Our suits matched but our shirts were different shades of blue. My brother wore the dark suit/blue shirt combo as well. Both he and my dad looked great as well. My brother is pierced and I was grateful to have someone by my side for the day who was not so straight-laced looking. It's not a huge deal, but I am more comfortable with some funkiness than none. To this end, Polly Poodlepopper wore a beautiful blue shimmery dress with an antique-looking lace covering. She shredded the bottom of the dress to trip it out a bit. As always, she looked really great. Her hairstyle was calm but unique. And of course Ms. Plex looked conservative, but really really classy, as she usually does for such events. Our blues were not the same, but all in harmony. On his side, his friend, Lancaster Lady was such a warm presence. I am so happy they have each other and that I get to know someone like her. And of course RootBeer and Ms. Stitch. Ms Stitch surprised no one by sparkling in a deep purply-blue soft velvet top that she made with her own two hands and a nice dark pewter shimmery skirt. RootBeer wore a shimmery cranberry skirt and a gorgeous off the shoulder black velvet top. I know the fashion may not seem important, but it was so kickass to have people wear what they wanted -- clothes that reflected who they are and what feels good to them. I've always thought the whole "matching world of taffeta" coupled with the "dance of the identical cumberbunds" was a bit fascist. Arrivals and PhotosPeople began arriving as we were doing pictures. I kept running into people from the chorus he sings in and I fundraise for, friends from college, etc. It was so hard not to just run off for a few seconds with each person and say hi and catch up. There would have to be time for that later. Finally, here we go The ushers were in place and the grooms, our attendants and the Oversight Committee from the Meeting sat in silence in a room just off the main meeting room we would be married in. The meeting room was decorated beautifully with ivy and wreaths with unscented cream-colored candles sitting in their center in the window sills. Looking through the windows, we could see just enough snow to make everything bright. I'm not sure how well I can explain this, but sitting in silence with an intimate group of close friends is amazing. But not in a dramatic way. It is a slow deep amazement. I remember looking around the room, my guy by my side, and seeing all these people that meant so much to us just settling into the moment. It made me feel like there was so much respect and just notice of what we were about to do. I looked at Polly Poodlepopper, who dances with me like no one else. It is not an intimate dance. It is a connective spirit of rhythm dance. Polly, who found the broken, attachable letters to put on the old drive-in marquee on the outskirts of my new college town. Who took those letters and spelled out "Welcome" with my name on it on the day I was driving into town for the first time, my car filled with powder blue Target plastic things, macaroni and cheese, and a hundred mix tapes. I looked at my brother, who started the Young Democrats at his right-wing friendly Texas high school, who refused to say the pledge in public school because it is just fucking wrong, who, upon learning his brother was a gay women's studies major thought not too much of it and went on with our relationship like it should be, and who joined the ACLU at 16 because he knew they would protect freedom in a way "freedom fighters" never could. I looked at RootBeer, who had made a family for me here, far away from the one that shares blood with me. Who is not afraid to try to learn and who is always ready to give to those who need it. Who had worked for a year for this moment like I had and did so with never an ounce of complaint (which would have been fine). I looked at Ms. Stitch, who is at the same time so much like me and not. Who walked into my office years ago to comfort me when my grandmother had died and did so in such a direct, and loving way. Who taught me to quilt and that it can be fun to learn who people are over time and not just in 5 minutes. Who also spent a year helping make this happen, was never worried about being the aggressive or direct one (or didn't show it) when we really needed that voice in the planning/execution. And I looked at Lady Lancaster. Who just plain cracks me up, and who is such a valuable sounding board for my guy, often in ways I can't be. Who is actually very interested in who you are and what you like and do and think. Who is a fountain of thought and inquisitiveness. Who refreshes me. And I looked at Mr. Radical Tenor. I love him so much. There is so much to be said with sitting and standing side-by-side with someone who believes in you. Who sees what you are trying to see in yourself. Who danced with me on our first date to Ella Fitzgerald as we both realized this could be forever. Outside our Room In the meeting hall, people were taking their seats. They were handed pieces of paper desctibing a bit more about the Quaker Meeeting For Marriage:
Thus, they enter into a binding relationship between themselves, in the presence of God, (and/or their understanding of a greater spiritual connection), and their friends. No third person pronounces them married, as Friends believe that God alone creates this union and gives it significance. In the early days, the Society of Friends adopted the custom of not “giving the bride away,” affirming their recognition of gender equality. An exchange of rings, if taking place, is done following the promises. The marriage certificate, laid upon a table, is brought to the couple to sign. After they sign, the certificate is taken to someone to read aloud. Once the certificate is read and is returned to the table, the Meeting continues with a period of worship when friends and family may share their prayers and messages for the couple. The Meeting for Worship tends to adapt itself to the individuality of each occasion. The handshake of the Overseers signals the conclusion of the Meeting for Worship. After all portions of the ceremony are completed, the couple and attendants leave the Meeting Room. All who have been present then sign the marriage certificate as evidence of the fact that they are witnesses to the union. Though changing times have brought changing customs, the objective remains the same: that the union be accomplished with dignity, reverence and simplicity. The song begins and our Oversight Committee and our Honor Attendants walk in. We are last. We hold hands, look out into the room and step into the ceremony. This is the song that was playing the first time we know we were in the same room. I went to a concert of his chorus with a co-worker whose partner sang in the chorus as well. We didn't meet that day, but I did fall in love with this song. The words are powerful and reflective of so much of our love and our beliefs: "Te Quiero" words by Mario Benedetti, music by Alberto Favero If I adore you it is because you are my love, my accomplice and everything; and in the street, arm in arm, we are so much more than two. Your hands are my caress, my daily affirmations. I love you because your hands work for justice. Your eyes are my lucky charm against misfortune. I adore you for your gaze that looks to and creates the future. Your mouth that is yours and mine, your mouth that is never mistaken: I adore you because your mouth knows how to shout defiance. And for your sincere face and wandering spirit and your weeping for the world -- because you are the people, I adore you. And because our love is neither famous not innocent, and because we are a couple that knows we are not alone. I adore you in my paradise, which is to say, in my country: where people live happily even though they don’t have permission. I love that poem so much I quilted it onto a pillow and proposed with it. It was a bit awkward maneuvering around the pews (there is not really a full center aisle) but, holding hands, we make it to our seats. We are seated in chairs facing the entire meeting with the exception of our soloist and guitar player who are behind us, but up three steps; our Oversight Committee, who sits up one step behind us; and our Honor Attendants who sit on the bench directly behind us. _______ _______ _______ _______ his chair my chair [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ center aisle ] ] ] ] ] ] ] ] ] ]
This led us into the first section of silence. I thought of this time as the time to really bring everyone "into the room." It's pretty cool. You really can feel people focusing in on where they are and what they are doing. It gave me time to really connect to him and to think about all that brought us to this moment. Out of the silence, we stood up to say our vows. I was very proud of our vows and still am moved by them. Like most of the wedding, we really put a lot of thought into them. My Vows to Him: You are the great light and love of my life. I make these vows to you, our families, and to the community of friends who love and supports us. Today, and always, I will love, cherish, and respect you. I will learn from our differences, take joy in what we share, and celebrate the person you are and are becoming every day. I will support your creative, emotional, physical, spiritual, intellectual and sensual well-being. I promise to comfort you, to love you even more deeply and with greater evidence in times of struggle, and to work by your side to create a loving, safe, and nurturing home and family. I look forward to more wonderful times ahead of us. Our years together have been the best of my life. I am grateful and proud to be your love, your friend, and your partner. His Vows to Me: Our first telephone conversation lasted for five hours, After three years together, we've never run out of things to say. That I feel blessed to have you in my life Blessed that you decided to share your life with me And blessed that we've shared great triumphs and small joys together It is both miraculous and natural that we have found each other And so I vow to give you my support, my encouragement, and my love I vow to create family and community with you I vow to be your love, your friend and partner Thank you for being my love, my friend and my partner
Wow. That was amazing. Friends later said they thought it was cool that I said "sensual" and they wondered what people thought of that. I guess I just thought it was honest. Then we kissed! I was so in the moment it was wonderful. No thoughts really of just how many people there had never seen two men kissing. Just damn happy and ready for a kiss! The Marriage Certificate At this point the "Susans" (our lesbian friends who are both named Susan) brought our Marriage Certificate to us on the signing table. We signed the certificate and sat back down. At that point, our mothers stood up and went to read the marriage certificate (they were sitting in center pews, facing one another: [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ >[ ]< ] ] ] ] ] ] ] ] ]. Now my mother is about 5'7" + some heels and some Texas lift in her hair. His mother is 4'10" and wears just post-flat shoes. So it was very heartwarming when my mother took his mother's hand to walk up to the certificate to read it. Their voices were so different as well. My mother is a lifelong teacher and union organizer from the South. His is an excellent speaker and nonprofit leader from California and originally from Vietnam. I listened as they read our certificate, the official language of the Quaker Meeting and then our vows. Their voices ring of years of being outspoken on different issues. Their voices have played such different roles in their homes and with their families. Silence After this there was an extenxed period of Quaker silence. Folks were asked to share messages about us as moved. And this was the roller coaster of emotions. Some were fun and silly, but most were deeply moving and touching. A few examples: My mother went first and spoke about me as an activist and as being special. She talked about me asking if I could go do abortion clinic defense when I was 15 or so and how much they loved having my partner as part of the family. My dad talked about how happy he was and how it made him cry to hear everyone and to see us so happy and just how right we were for each other. RootBeer's sister got up and talked about how loved and welcomed she felt by us as friends from the moment we met. She told us how happy she was that her sister had a family in DC when she and the rest of RootBeer's family were elsewhere. Dr. Lawyer, a friend I know from high school who lived here in DC for a while talked about how we are ships that dock in the same place from time to time and exchange warmth and companionship. RootBeer and Ms. Stitch each talking about being our chosen family and RootBeer talking about how much it meant for her to see us argue well. His aunt telling everyone how happy his grandmother would be and how he was the favorite in the family. (his grandmother was an amazing and empathetic supporter of him. She sadly passed away after a battle with Alzheimer's). Our friend Peacelove telling us that if we ever doubted our love for each other, we could check with her and she would remind us. And Polly Poodlepopper speaking from such vulnerability that it blew me away. She talked about not really being sure that love was possible like this and about not trusting such things sometimes. And how this gave her some pause at the least. (breath) After this, the lesbian couple who got married a few months before us read the English translation of "Te Quiero." And they read it to each other! It made it so much more intimate and special. Then our song, "Till There Was You" from The Music Man was sung. After that, we had a reading of The Velveteen Rabbit that we had adapted. I was very concerned that the message was, "unless you are loved, you are not real." So we did some tweaking and came up with a great reading for our friend OceanMother and another of his aunt's to give. This was followed by a beautiful song that our small ensemble acapella group sang. It's called "Everything Possible" and has to be one of the most moving songs I have heard. I love it for its message of openness and opportunity: Everything Possible
We have cleared off the table, the leftovers saved Washed the dishes and put them away I have told you a story and tucked you in tight At the end of your knockabout day As the moon sets its sails to carry you to sleep Over the midnight sea I will sing you a song no one sang to me May it keep you good company You can be anybody you want to be You can love whomever you will You can travel any country where your heart leads And know I will love you still You can live by yourself, you can gather friends around You can choose one special one And the only measure of your words and your deeds Will be the love you leave behind when you're done There are girls who grow up strong and bold There are boys quiet and kind Some race on ahead, some follow behind Some go in their own way and time Some women love women, some men love men Some raise children, some never do You can dream all the day never reaching the end Of everything possible for you Don't be rattled by names, by taunts, by games But seek out spirits true If you give your friends the best part of yourself They will give the same back to you You can be anybody you want to be You can love whomever you will You can travel any country where your heart leads And know I will love you still You can live by yourself, you can gather friends around You can choose one special one And the only measure of your words and your deeds Will be the love you leave behind when you're done Their delivery was perfect and I think folks really appreciated the sentiments of the song. I really enjoyed having this be part of a ceremony. It was so much about us and about many of our friends and family members as well. Then, my high school friends stood and read the poem I wrote for the ceremony: Read it here The recessional was a great Cris Williamson song. I hear it has been covered by The Butchies, but it is definitely a Cris Williamson song and one of his favorites (of course, mine too now): Shooting Star thunder is shaking the roof of my car i would go through a desert for you my thoughts are flying to where you are i would go through a desert for you right on the edge of a storm tonight i'll be with you and warm to lie in the circle of your arms i would go through a desert for you and for me i would go through a desert for you the sky had been falling when i heard your name calling me by name calling me by my name out of the corner of my eye i saw you blazin' brightly by you're such a shooting star that's what you are you're just a shooting star mountains are moving in the desert sun i am crossing this desert for you it is a lesson and it must be done i am crossing this desert for you We left to this with our Honor Attendants and the Oversight Committee. They signed the Marriage Certificate as the rest of the Meeting followed behind to sign as well. We hadn't really planned a receiving line, but one needed to happen anyway. In the span of about 25 minutes people from every part of our lives hugged and kissed us. It was pretty overwhelming and exciting and wonderful and huge and crazy and great!. The End
|